Shaking off the BS dust from my sandals....
I am going to be honest. I am struggling. God and I seem to be in a stalemate. And I know its not Him, its me. And I know I am the one stiff-arming Him, but I cant seem to make myself stop. But this is where I am. Why?
I have been going over and over this and I dont know if its my time in life where I know there is a chapter closing and another one trying to figure out what it wants to be, or maybe its my age, or maybe I am just so freaking sick of the crap and I refuse to put up with it any more. I have never suffered fools, but seriously - the utter nonsense is almost over the top.
I am entirely disgusted with Christians using the Bible to justify their political leanings. Really. God is not a Republican. He's not. And honestly, I really doubt He cares if you are one either. Do I think He cares about the unborn? I absolutely do. But guess what - reason this out with me - He cares about that mother as well - whether she gives birth or not. Lets say this mother aborts her baby - I fully believe that baby goes to heaven. But you are still left with a woman who is broken and most likely in need of the Savior. Lets say your law makes her have this baby... You are still left with a woman who is most likely broken and in need of the Savior and now there is a second soul you may have condemned if you dont reach that mom. Do I want her to abort? No, but lets look at the entire picture. Save that woman, and you reach future children - its the woman you need to reach and these laws do the absolute opposite of trying to reach her for the Christ.
And before Democrats get all smug - God isnt a D either. Not in the slightest. You dont get Jesus points for holding a gun on someone and making them give money to something that you think they should. Money isnt evil, it the love of money and the amount of time you focus on those with more than you, vilifying them, I think is just as wrong. What do I care how much someone has? Giving someone money that isnt yours is not noble. Jesus was not a socialist. But if you want to really be honest about socialism, it has sent MILLIONS of people to meet God, so guess you can feel all warm about introducing them, via murder and starvation. Well done. And I know its easy to take a Democrat platform and try to feel all good about it, but while you have given money that wasnt yours to the poor, you have also destroyed Black families and communities in the process - yes, your policies did that, so dont slap yourself on the back too quickly.
Just soapbox examples....
And while I am warming up to this soapbox - the next person who wants to use the Bible to shame me while I eat meat, yeah, I am talking to you Vegans, check yourself and your pious crap at the door. Bacon is served here. There was a whole thing with Peter about killing and eat, so just jog on. Do I think animals should be treated better? You bet - but your attitude is bordering on animal worship and I will step over the body of an animal for a person any day - lets keep priorities in check. Its not salvational - its personal conviction/preference and so realize that not everyone holds the same - the whole eat meat/dont eat meat thing (1 Corinthians) and learn to live with your fellow meat eater without acting all holier than thou.
And I am tired of church. I am tired of the smiles and the howdys and the not even scratching the surface superficial that you have to go through every time with everyone you know. Its exhausting - from the person I have to get a bulletin from, to everyone down the hall, and then all around me wherever I go in the building. Where we just quickly say our practiced greetings as we never slow down in the halls. Where Church is not a chore is my 2 rows of my Bible class. I love those people. They are family. We can go from "how was your week" to "I am having a hard time and I am going to be calling you for coffee at the spur of the moment, so you better answer" deep in less time than it takes to take a breath. IF I go to church, they are why I go.
I am just tired. I am tired of the Pharasees on both sides of the political aisle. I am tired of personal choices being carried like a banner for everyone else to either have to carry as well or somehow they are less than. I am tired of the trite, the fake, the sick asking for prayers but not changing what made them sick to begin with - like prayer is just a quick end run around what change is needed.
And praying - the guilt that I am supposed to. Look - God's got this. I absolutely believe He does. I trust Him even as I hold Him at a distance. Because that is who He is - He is totally safe - safe for me to rage at - safe for me to ignore for a bit - safe for me to tell Him, I just cant deal right now - entirely safe. That is the trust I have in Him. I dont want to tell Him everything because He knows. He does. He knew it before I realized it myself. And because He knows - I am good. Am I asking Him to fix anything? Not right now. I am thinking about stuff.
And I am totally cognizant of the fact that my high Introvert may have kicked up a notch. IDK why, but it may have. It may be that I am being set up for a time of change, growth, whatever. I know God sometimes makes me feel all discombobulated inside before He shifts something in me - but this one feels different. I dont know if I am mourning a change in my life - I have been raising kids for 25 years. More than half my life and we are nearing an end. And what I didnt want to do, homeschool, I have absolutely loved and have realized the releasing is so much harder than I thought. Dont get me wrong - I am looking forward to my freedom, but as you open your hands for grabbing something new, you have to empty those same hands.
So, as we begin to end this year, this is where I am. It feels better to get it out and onto paper. I will probably publish this and honestly, I dont really care if anyone reads, agrees, whatever. I am sure it could totally piss some people off, and if so, I would ask them if its because I struck a truth nerve. And if it was a vegan, its probably because they are hungry. I would be. And if you feel the same, I want you to know, there are others that are entirely over the BS and know you can sit alone in solidarity with me. There is something entirely comforting knowing God is still here - that He doesnt get miffed and say "fine" and walk away. He's sitting right here, waiting for me. He knows He's got this. I know He's got this, and for now, that is enough.
I have been going over and over this and I dont know if its my time in life where I know there is a chapter closing and another one trying to figure out what it wants to be, or maybe its my age, or maybe I am just so freaking sick of the crap and I refuse to put up with it any more. I have never suffered fools, but seriously - the utter nonsense is almost over the top.
I am entirely disgusted with Christians using the Bible to justify their political leanings. Really. God is not a Republican. He's not. And honestly, I really doubt He cares if you are one either. Do I think He cares about the unborn? I absolutely do. But guess what - reason this out with me - He cares about that mother as well - whether she gives birth or not. Lets say this mother aborts her baby - I fully believe that baby goes to heaven. But you are still left with a woman who is broken and most likely in need of the Savior. Lets say your law makes her have this baby... You are still left with a woman who is most likely broken and in need of the Savior and now there is a second soul you may have condemned if you dont reach that mom. Do I want her to abort? No, but lets look at the entire picture. Save that woman, and you reach future children - its the woman you need to reach and these laws do the absolute opposite of trying to reach her for the Christ.
And before Democrats get all smug - God isnt a D either. Not in the slightest. You dont get Jesus points for holding a gun on someone and making them give money to something that you think they should. Money isnt evil, it the love of money and the amount of time you focus on those with more than you, vilifying them, I think is just as wrong. What do I care how much someone has? Giving someone money that isnt yours is not noble. Jesus was not a socialist. But if you want to really be honest about socialism, it has sent MILLIONS of people to meet God, so guess you can feel all warm about introducing them, via murder and starvation. Well done. And I know its easy to take a Democrat platform and try to feel all good about it, but while you have given money that wasnt yours to the poor, you have also destroyed Black families and communities in the process - yes, your policies did that, so dont slap yourself on the back too quickly.
Just soapbox examples....
And while I am warming up to this soapbox - the next person who wants to use the Bible to shame me while I eat meat, yeah, I am talking to you Vegans, check yourself and your pious crap at the door. Bacon is served here. There was a whole thing with Peter about killing and eat, so just jog on. Do I think animals should be treated better? You bet - but your attitude is bordering on animal worship and I will step over the body of an animal for a person any day - lets keep priorities in check. Its not salvational - its personal conviction/preference and so realize that not everyone holds the same - the whole eat meat/dont eat meat thing (1 Corinthians) and learn to live with your fellow meat eater without acting all holier than thou.
And I am tired of church. I am tired of the smiles and the howdys and the not even scratching the surface superficial that you have to go through every time with everyone you know. Its exhausting - from the person I have to get a bulletin from, to everyone down the hall, and then all around me wherever I go in the building. Where we just quickly say our practiced greetings as we never slow down in the halls. Where Church is not a chore is my 2 rows of my Bible class. I love those people. They are family. We can go from "how was your week" to "I am having a hard time and I am going to be calling you for coffee at the spur of the moment, so you better answer" deep in less time than it takes to take a breath. IF I go to church, they are why I go.
I am just tired. I am tired of the Pharasees on both sides of the political aisle. I am tired of personal choices being carried like a banner for everyone else to either have to carry as well or somehow they are less than. I am tired of the trite, the fake, the sick asking for prayers but not changing what made them sick to begin with - like prayer is just a quick end run around what change is needed.
And praying - the guilt that I am supposed to. Look - God's got this. I absolutely believe He does. I trust Him even as I hold Him at a distance. Because that is who He is - He is totally safe - safe for me to rage at - safe for me to ignore for a bit - safe for me to tell Him, I just cant deal right now - entirely safe. That is the trust I have in Him. I dont want to tell Him everything because He knows. He does. He knew it before I realized it myself. And because He knows - I am good. Am I asking Him to fix anything? Not right now. I am thinking about stuff.
And I am totally cognizant of the fact that my high Introvert may have kicked up a notch. IDK why, but it may have. It may be that I am being set up for a time of change, growth, whatever. I know God sometimes makes me feel all discombobulated inside before He shifts something in me - but this one feels different. I dont know if I am mourning a change in my life - I have been raising kids for 25 years. More than half my life and we are nearing an end. And what I didnt want to do, homeschool, I have absolutely loved and have realized the releasing is so much harder than I thought. Dont get me wrong - I am looking forward to my freedom, but as you open your hands for grabbing something new, you have to empty those same hands.
So, as we begin to end this year, this is where I am. It feels better to get it out and onto paper. I will probably publish this and honestly, I dont really care if anyone reads, agrees, whatever. I am sure it could totally piss some people off, and if so, I would ask them if its because I struck a truth nerve. And if it was a vegan, its probably because they are hungry. I would be. And if you feel the same, I want you to know, there are others that are entirely over the BS and know you can sit alone in solidarity with me. There is something entirely comforting knowing God is still here - that He doesnt get miffed and say "fine" and walk away. He's sitting right here, waiting for me. He knows He's got this. I know He's got this, and for now, that is enough.
Love you, Jen. You're a good writer and probably the smartest person I know. :)
ReplyDeleteI wrote a long comment and then deleted it.
ReplyDeleteI agree with your points. I think that one of the reasons church numbers are shrinking in many places is because we can't honestly talk about hard things. Instead, we have people clinging to their traditions and putting down those who are different. Really not much different from the world and political parties who want to win no matter what and don't really care to discuss real issues. I could go on, but I'll stop.
Thanks as always for sharing.