2020, the Bitch I Am Thankful For...

 I am not going to deny that this past year has been rough.   We are coming up on the evening in Mid-February, 2020, my husband told me that there was a virus coming from China and I needed to make sure we were prepared.   

We are usually prepared for most things.   Its just the way I am built - I am an enneagram 8, and tend towards protecting me and mine.  That means, I want to drive, have my "stuff", have whatever I potentially could need.  A dearest once referred to me as Human Swiss Army Knife, and I loved her all the  more for it.  I carry a backpack in my car with "supplies".  My small baseball bag has had anything someone could need, even small plastic zip-ties to repair the backstop screen, more than once.

So, I went into this with the same mindset.  If we are home, what would I need - honestly, we didnt really need anything, we live with a very deep pantry as it is being so far out and not wanting to drive into town every day for something.  I did buy a little more "fun" foods, alcohol (hello), and some more papertowels.  I am specific with those.  

I told those closest to me what to expect, and I basically grounded my parents.  And those people closest to me listened.  They padded their stores.   My parents cancelled trips.  It was a blessing to me not to worry about them, and it was an honor they believed me.

And then mid-March hit.  We all have The Story of when it truly impacted us.   

We are self-employed, so there was anxiety on what that would mean for us.  They cancelled our boys' baseball seasons.  One was sent home from college.  Everyone was home, save the Husband who was considered "essential" in his business.  

Last year was not easy.  The anxiety over the business was real.  I struggled with anger towards those who had someone else pay their salaries either not thinking this was "real" and flaunting being out and about or thinking this was some kind of paid vacation, or lecturing people that they needed to shut down businesses.  The self-righteousness of those who have no clue what being entirely responsible for all monies brought into the home made me want to throat punch some people.  And I worried about my parents - my mom who is a cancer survivor with respiratory issues.  

And yet, I am so thankful for that year.  I can look back and see the blessings.  I am thankful for a handful of friends who are self-employed and "get it".  Our convos and shared anxiety.  They were a safe place to vent and to be encouraged.

 I am thankful to see how resilient my kids are.  They had major disappointments and life changes.  They mourned and made new plans.  They learned new hobbies and skills.  They continued to work hard not knowing if in the end the work would matter - it did.  The last kid recently made the comment he had the best year and when I reminded him of the awful, he countered with so much good.  Perspective.

I made new friends online - shocking.  Twitter was good to me.  Different perspectives of us all and still acceptance and friendship.

I am thankful in the hard for the fruit it brought us.

I am better for it.  These past 2 weeks have been hard in Oklahoma.  We have rolled with it pretty well in our family.  Snow ends.   Ice melts.  I can totally do this and I can be content in the middle.  

And I guess that is what 2020 gave me.  It showed me the resilience I posses and shown me how to choose to be content.  That my attitude is a choice, my reaction to situations is a choice, how I view a situation is a choice.  I get to choose.  

Things are what they are - and I am not going to waste time and energy and emotions over something I cannot change - I am going to use the time and energy to make the most out of the situation.   And that may mean many things - cleaning, exercise, crocheting.  It may also mean being still and binging The Great British Baking Show - I am late to the party.

And I dont think I am alone - those self-employed friends - they realized it too.  We made it.  We are a thankful bunch and we arent gripers or whiners.  We are encouragers and celebraters.  We are so much more generous because we "get it".  We know and understand how precarious things can be.  And still, here we are.

So, thank you 2020, you bitch.  I thought it would be a little while down the road, when you were fuzzy in my rearview mirror, before I could muster up a "thanks", but look at me.  You are crystal clear - and honestly, still hanging on, and even in this, I can choose thanks.  I.  Choose.